If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
