there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
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