my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
