"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
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