I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
