It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
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