i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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