i barfeds in our rink
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
