Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
She seriously needs to find another hobby other than bouncing on cock.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Randomize
