why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
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