i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
