Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
I skipped work to stalk him.
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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