Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
