Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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