How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
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