you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Randomize
