My nipple is on Facebook.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
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