Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
Randomize
