You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
