I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
Randomize
