Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
