WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
Life is so much better after having sex.
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
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