By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Randomize
