I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
