If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
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