Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
