Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
He uses pillows to masturbate.
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
