My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Randomize
