Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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