Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
You're breaking my sexual little heart
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
