the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
Randomize
