he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Randomize
