wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
The uberlube is also flammable
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
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