she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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