Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
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