brb k???!! plz don't leave i want 2 tlk bout r rltnshp
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
