kristin has been a bad kristin
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
