textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Randomize
