He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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