I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Randomize
