She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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