I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Randomize
