i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
