i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
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