Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
