My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
