my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Randomize
