Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
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