You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
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