best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
it's great music for shaving your balls
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
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