Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
